“Thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing” were Rabindranath Tagore’s pearls of wisdom.Yet,if one yearns to enter China’s manned space program,any scar on the aspirant having stars or planets in his eyes would be grounds of instant elimination.Any scar acquired form sharp edged unidentified flying object from the kitchen or from the cutting edge of a surgeon’s scalpel.

The recruiters not only frown on scars and runny noses but also screen the aspirant’s medical history for three generations.If one’s paternal grandma or maternal grandpa had postural vertigo ,it is feared the bequeathed genes might play havoc with his insides while levitating a in zero gravity like a pair of jeans in a washing machine.And so it might help if his robust ,apple cheeked pa ,grandpa,grandma and great grandma had all trooped in chirpily with no walking sticks to chaperon him to the selection center.Bad breath that grants one privacy by keeping off people at arm’s length is the next no-no.China may not want any taveller from any other planet or galaxy to swoon when their space envoy opens his mouth to greet him during a serendipitous rendezvous.But of all the criteria mentioned here that certify an applicant qualified to board the space vehicle,the one that speaks volumes of China’s chivalry is its nod for women empowerment.the aspirant who wants to go to outer space should get the unequivocal assent from his wife.Otherwise he will be ejected from the programme.The countdown for the launch may be approaching zero,but if she comes running waving her arms shouting ,”Hey Lee,don’t go baby.” ,the take off may be averted......!!!

dRONA

Small B looks dashing as Our desi Superhero in DRONA…
The older superheroes who wear their chaddies embarrassingly over their pants will be jealous of him. Drona not only wears his chaddi under his pants but also a dazzling sherwani over it complete with a duppatta. There is also something sort of a metallic bob (…like that of a pendulum in the physics lab) tied on the forehead by means of a dilapidated thread. The attire becomes complete with a shinning sword (well…I must mention that there is something inscribed on the sword in an unknown machine language…weather it intentional or a manufacturing defect is not clear to me…!!!) which he sometimes carries on his back like He Man. Aah…there is also a golden wristband which serves a dual purpose as a code breaker.
Every superhero has superpowers…Superman can fly and kick ass from mid air…Spiderman can jump within megastructures and throw his impenetrable net on the villains…Even Shakti Man can fly (…around his self created orbit) and kick off unwanted satellites … as far as drona’s powers are concerned there are pleanty.First of all Drona can fight and fight really hard dressed in this wedding costume…he can also uproot maingates of unfortunate houses by a sheer pull (…this he shares common with our sunny pajji…remember pajji had also uprooted a tube-well in gadar…??? ).Though Drona cant fly ,fans can feel happy because he skillfully rides a horse(a highly suspicious white horse that comes and goes at its own will…!!!) which runs faster than the wind (even with 2 passengers i.e small B and Priyanka) and can gallop merrily even over locomotives. Apart from these qualities Drona is extremely courageous , highly intelligent, greatly adventurous and loves his mother and loves Priyanka Chopra…!!!
The plot is simple enough for the aam admi to understand. Drona in his early life is unaware of all stuff and lives in UK like a cool dude. Mysterious blue petals keep flying around him all the way from nowhere give the viewers an idea that something extraordinary is brewing that will take up at least 2 hours of the film to sort itself up. Sooner than later the facts come up clearly.Drona is king (of some unknown land which resembles the sahara desert ) and is duty bond to protect some amrit (well I wish I could have a spoonful of that…!!! ) that has been closely guarded by his family for generations since the great amrit-manthan episode (please refer the Vedas and Upanishads for more details …) from the evil KK Menon …err sorry Riz Rayzyada( I must say this is the only guy who could impress with his acting). Priyanka with warrior princess looks throughout is an integrated bodyguard and girlfriend.
Well Drona reaches his celebrated kingdom in the sahara with bad boy KK following him at his heels and the adventure begins.He meets his mom and learns a few more facts. Thankfully mamma is petrified into a statue by evil spirits as per the requirements of the plot.Drona adventures along mysterious places and among the graveyards of his forefathers.Aah…the graveyards remind me of little sparkling Saraswati Puja pandals kids make over here .These seemed to me to be made out of thermacol sheets ,cardboard, tarpaulin sheets and colored fliers…(seems so strange for high budget films like these ). I cant recollect clearly but I think there is a weird song somewhere near here (…not an item number fortunately).There a some pathetic special effects that will make you feel like borrowing Drona’s sword and banging your head with it…&#$@* But if you liked Alif Laila , u would definitely love this…

Well guys I couldn’t bear to see the rest but I can solemnly assure you that before the film ends the evil villain must have been eliminated and our divine amrit is safe in the custody of Abhishek Bacchan. Haaaa…At last we can relax. Lets pray to God that something like Drona Part II or Drona Reloaded does not come up…!!!

Jai RETAIL Devta

As the dazzling counters and the A.C splendor beckons from across the glass doors the Indian aam admi is gradually marching towards the latest boon called Reatil Outlets. From Satyendra Satoo to the Italian pasta…from the sadabahar Rupa banyan to the latest Playboy bonanza…a new definition seems to have come up for outdoor shopping.The almighty has been graceful enough to bring this Retail Revolution right next door.

The other day I thought of buying the monthly groceries from my nearest fancy retail outlet instead of the regular kirana shop. Away from the cry and crowd and dirt and exertion there I was in a calm, cool and tip top shopping archade.There were all around smiling ,soft spoken,smart,intelligent looking people searching for stuff in the well kept stacks pushing their thelas alongside. The smart salesmen roamed around helping out the customers in the most pleasant manner.


As I ventured along towards the cosmetics section to buy my monthly dose of toothpaste, body soap. shaving cream n bla bla…I was greeted by a couple of very smart, good looking and hot sales girls…”may I help u sir ???”…came one of them looking passionately at my eyes. ” A shampoo” I replied (as smartly as I could)…”For whom???” she asked… I was in a fix.Now,I needed a shampoo and not an underwear that has to be user specific !!! A little baffled I answered…”For me and my family”. But my cute acquaintance was not impressed. “ We always recommend shampoo s based on the hair texture sir .I suggest that this is perfect for your dry and parched hair” , and she handed me a green bottle studying very closely my flamboyant hair .” I also need a shaving cream and a soap FOR MYSELF” I insisted. She one again started to study my skin with great effort and dedication and only after a detailed analysis pronounced…”You ve rough and dry skin sir…here are some ayurvedic soaps and creams for you. They contain 201 very rare herbs, Almond oil, milk cream, and…&%$>(*>?#~....”(…well I cant remember all the ingredients of my divine soap, but I bet it had all the brightest stuff a soap could ever have….!!!). As I stuffed the ayurvedic miracles in my thela she also came up with a few hair gels and deodorants and after shave lotions and all such stuff which she assured would bring about unbelievable nourishment and lustre to my features. With so many gizmos I could easily open a Men’s Beauty Parlor right in my toilet. But who could say “NO” to such a charming girl. In the meantime very secretly I managed to take a Colgate. I was afraid that if I told her about toothpaste she would want to see my teeth and that could be really embarrassing…!!!....also it was dangerous because she could start suggesting toothpastes with all those of her unusual ayurvedic compositions as if manufactured in the world of Harry Potter. Having crossed my budget by almost a double I dragged my trophies back home.

The next day however I had to make a few more purchases and had a packet to exchange. I couldn’t help but marvel at the most efficient way in which I was stopped at the gate by the security guard. “Stop!!! What do you have there in that packet Sir???” he beamed. “I ve got things to exchange” , I replied. “You have to get a pass from the Security Control Room.” ,he advised. “Security Control Room???” ….it sounded very thrilling. It gave a feeling as if I was about to enter the most secured location in this country. I was reminded of those action packed Alister McLean novels where there would be FBI agents and secret defense installations and spies and stuff… Anyways I made a move and explained the situation to the guard posted there. By God this guy looked at me so hard… I swear that he could give Sherlock Holmes a run for his money. He fixed his ever suspicious eyes on my unfortunate packet and examined it with detail to confirm that it was a Pao Bhaji masala after all and not some deadly Research Developed Xplosive…!!!...being convinced in every aspect at last Sherlock handed me the pass.
As I made the other purchases ,I raced to the counter for the payments and exchange. However the guy in the counter declared the exchange could not be done because of …well God knows what. “I will have to consult my superiors”, he said and called for the floor manager. The consultation went for quite some time as I waited with the patience of Mahatma Gandhi. It seemed to me from the seriousness and determination of their faces that the debate was not about whether my Pao Bhaji masala could be exchanged for a Kasuri Methi , or rather it was a an acute effort to bring about a feasible solution for the financial crisis in the USA .At last the maverick floor manager nodded. The feat could be performed…Hurraaah…I paid the balance of Rs.6 and escaped.

At present the distinguished Retail Outlets hold 5% of the Indian market with an annual turnover of around 12 million bucks. I fear that sooner or later they will have a grasp on the entire nation. We are on the verge of losing the good old kirana shop and the poor sabjiwala clad in his dhoti. A market where there is no A.C or smart sales girls but the warmth and friendliness keep the spirits alive. Where there would be dirt and dust and shouting and action all the time. Where every customer is roaming about with a shopping bag searching for the best bargain. Where u can buy exactly what u need and not some fancy out of the world stuff the costs three times more. And with the friendly shopkeeper insisting…”List de do bhai…saaman main ghar bhijwa dunga. Hisab ka baad me dekh lenge.”

Colleg Over

I rubbed my ass on benches of my college for three and and half long years.The classes were like long and never ending episodes of Saans Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi....I tormented myself through so many lectures and labs....

But now suddenly all is over...

Colleg days are History Channel now....no more running for the bus every morning...no more dress codes...no more labcoats....no more mid day meals at the mess... following college gals for miles after miles inside the campus....no more imitating loose screw wale professors....my life style for the past few years ve become history now....

I will miss my lovely classroom and my favourite last 3 benches...i will miss the Colleg mess...the gents toilet ( which stands as a testimony to numerous incidents which i shall never forget ) .... and of course i ll miss the sweet gals...

Some foto shotos ~

The last 3 benches....The Best place 2 be in this Solar System...

This is what happens when MONKEYS take control of the lab...

Tigers roaming FREE....

Library ke ander jane ka to kabhi time nahi hua...kam se kum foto dakh lo..!!!

Baba has Made it...!!!

At last the miserable woman ( wearing a strange Locket which looked like a Bronze Medal won in some Inter School High Jump Competetion ) came out of the hall and fumbled up with my prestegious and elegent name "SAYAN BAATA...#$@&%...JEE" ...she frouned...!!!

Immediately i made a move with her...the time had come...the time to prove that i was the 21st century incarnation of Ramkrishna Paramhans...with the ironed shirt,trousers and tie i looked better than he looked in the foto...I made an effort to walk like Amitabh Bacchan ( as he did in Sholey ) , to shake my hands like George Bush ( as he does with Manmohan Uncle ) and to speak like Lord Krishna ( as he did in the Bhagwat Gita )...

My interviewer was an old ,spectacled, large teethed bare papa sort of a person.His face reminded me of Baburao ( Paresh Rawal ) from the film Heera Pheri...He looked at me very suspeciously as if i had forcefully kissed his daughter before coming for the interview...He scanned less through the marks and more through the marksheets to make sure that i had not printed them from my local baniya shop...

The interview lasted for seven long minutes...It was mainly techinical...I gave him a brief introduction to my spectacular capacity of talking immense shit...i said what i knew...i invented what i did not know...i lied about what i thought he did not know...I convinced him that Cognizant Technology Solutions would come to road without my expertise...I made him believe that i was the only person alive in this entire solar system who had a passion for making a difference...

It worked...I am in...God Bless Baburao...God Bless Cognizant... :-)

Ode to the Paapi Pet...

The modern day Engineering student has his "Shaadi ke reharshal" facility provided right in the college campus...The last few days has been placement days...Honhar and Kabil MNC's visited the campus in the search of young and sexy students to give them a break , a big break rather...

The atmosphere changed so much that i failed to recognise my very own adda...How people change their style for the Papi Pet....!!!

Gone were the long hairs , earrings and bangles ( which were adopted from the Mahabharata or maybe from the Rapchick Latin cult )...The Relaxo ka chappal was substituted by the Bata ka joota...People who held Phd in Birdwatching ( tapa tapi ) were suddenly interested in current affairs and GK... The nasheri , gajeri , suttabaaz ,daarubaaz , khaini khor and Guthka khor population could be seen solving the sadabahar Swami R.S Aggarwal baba 's Aptitude...Gals kept upwas on tuesdays for Mata Shakuntala Devi...

The topic of discussions among the last bench lafua party shifted from non-veg porn to the greatest of career related ideologies...People worked hard to mug up a few lines about themselves , their strenghts and weakness , their future goals...Oh God...what a wonderful atmosphere of Self Realisation...i bet Swami Vivekanda would jump out of joy...had he seen all this...

The "Gulu Gulu" mystery...

If you ever happen to come to south India and you do not have any idea about the local language...you are sure to be haunted by the "Gulu Gulu" mystery...
Well Gulu Gulu is just a word to express a whole genre i am unable to express otherwise...Gulu Gulu is the only bell that rings in my mind when i encounter South Indian conversation or script.
Lets speak of the script first...
After loads of research i have been able to find visual differences between Tamil,Telegu and Malayalam...Though they all will appear same to you in the first appearence ( full of Gulu Gulu that is...circles and semicircles and concentric circles) but on careful examination they fail to decieve my divine vision...In Telegu the Gulu Gulus are seperate from each other...the words appear like Gulu Gulu Gulu Gulu....However in Malayalam the Gulus are very closely connected to each other making it GuluGuluGuluGuluGulu...Tamil is a combination of Right Angle and Gulu...and yeah dots also appear in between...
If we come to the speech...These languages have a peculiar tone...there are tips to grasp these tones...these remind me of my High School Chemistry classes where we had to add suffixes and prefixes to name different elements from the same chemical family...In Tamil you just have to add a suffix "a"( "a" as in Argentina ) in every word you speak...So tamil becomes tamila,Road
becomes Roada,Bus becomes Busa,Auto becomes Autoa ,Lefta,Righta, Straighta, Yesa, Noa and so on...The British left India after ruling her for 200 years because they were tired of hearing the same Britisha,Elizabetha,Queena,Londona,Independencea...???
For Telegu you have to add the prefix "u"...like Penu,Pencilu, Riceu,Dalu, Tableu,Chairu,Shirtu, Pantu ,Underwearu and on and on...
Anyways dont bother yourself with this "Gulu Gulu" mystery even if you come to South India sometime...just chill...even if you manage to learn a little bit ( like i ve done ) and say that to somebody , you wont understand his reply in a thousand lifetimes...!!!


Untill next time ... Gulu Gulu...